“In early April, Braden Bandermann’s class set off on Garden Gate Elementary School’s annual, week-long pilgrimage for fifth-graders to Marin Headlands, just north of San Francisco,” The Daily Caller reports. “Before leaving, Braden did what any Silicon Valley 10-year-old faced with the perils of nature might do: he hid in the basement and played Call of Duty.” Just kidding. “He packed his trusty Swiss Army knife. As any camper knows, the multi-tool device is nothing if not versatile. Braden’s particular model contains a can opener, tweezers, a toothpick, a nail file, a tiny pair of scissors and a small blade. The little blade landed the boy in big trouble . . .
“They called me,” explained Tony Bandermann, Braden’s father. “They said, ‘You have to come and get him. He has a weapon. He needs to be suspended or possibly expelled.’”
Principal Brandi Hucko eventually determined that a one-day suspension was appropriate punishment for young Braden’s Swiss Style Semper Paratus; as opposed to say, mandatory membership in the Boy Scouts. Unfortunately, Mr. B was miles away from base camp. So Hucko decreed a one-day time out.
School officials forced Braden to serve a one-day suspension at camp. He was allegedly isolated in a teacher’s lounge area from all the other children. He was forced to eat meals by himself. He was forced to sleep in an area separate from all the other children. He missed an entire day of activities.
Bandermann believes school officials overreacted.
“This is not Sandy Hook,” he said. “Get real. He brought a stupid Swiss Army knife to camp.”
A stupid Swiss Army knife? I reckon the can opener reference is a slur, suggesting that young Braden brought an alcoholic beverage. It’s more likely that he schlepped a $12.21 Victorinox Swiss Army Classic SD Pocket Knife. A classic McGuyver-style tool that’s about as threatening as a Build-a-Bear Pinkie Pie.
Stupid Swiss Army knife? No wonder young Braden brought the blade camping. He was rebelling against the politically correct mamby pamby urbanism purveyed by Golden State educators. In that sense, he’s my hero.