This last week has been a veritable Twilight Zone of stupid stabbings and almost-stabbings. Simple and common household tools like knives are indispensably useful, but they’ve also got their disadvantages. To wit, every drunken/stoned/stupid/savage a**hole probably seems to have one within reach whenever they decide to channel their inner idiot.
Gold Medal: Don’t Want To Spoon? Then Have A Knife, You Cold-Hearted Bastard!
31 year-old Shavonna Rumph is charged with criminal battery in Manatee County, Florida after pulling a knife on her live-in boyfriend. His crime? Refusing to ‘spoon’ with her in bed. Click on the link to the link to the Bradenton Herald if you need to know more. We already know that the boyfriend would rather risk getting shanked than do the nasty with her, so Ms. Rumph’s booking photo is surprisingly not-disgusting and cheerful, at least from the neck up.
Yes, there was drinking involved. And no, I’m not making her name up.
Silver Medal: Give Me The Sandwich, And Nobody Gets Hurt.
Never underestimate the power of the munchies. Jerome Davis, shown here, is awaiting trial in an Iowa jail after holding a knife to his brother’s face and threatening to cut him. His brother, perhaps unwisely, had criticized Jerome’s eating habits after watching him eat six PB&J sandwiches in a row.
He’ll be happy to know that PB&Js are frequently on the menu at county jails, but if he wants to chow down six of them in a row he’s gonna have to call in a lot of favors.
DNF: Young Man, You Are SO Grounded!
No photos are available (and damned few details either) but an Orange County woman called 911 to report that her 18 year-old son had threatened her with a knife after she refused to let him take the family car for a spin.
I grew up in a family with six children and two point six working automobiles, but I sure as hell never tried this strategy for getting the car keys.
Aren’t you glad you know all of this now?