Militant clowns are sweeping the nation at an alarming rate. What first appeared to be a huge, terrifying prank has turned into something much darker. The creatures that haunt our nightmares have been popping up on campuses across the nation, and we’re no longer standing for it. Earlier this week, fraternity men at TCU decided to brandish their ironsand go out to find these menaces. Penn State and Oregon State have also gone hunting for these creatures in pancake makeup. While a golf club is a highly effective means of personal defense (shout out Tommy Vercetti), it’s not the only one. Here are some items you might have sprinkled around your residence in case of a clown emergency.
While the article has an entry for “Hatchets, Mauls, and Tomahawks, it is #5 that I am going to highlight as it amused me most – Insane Clown Posse music:
This might sound counterproductive, but weaponized music has been documented as effective. In 1989, the United States employed “Operation Nifty Package” as a means of ousting dictator Manuel Noriega from his Panamanian enclosure. By blasting “Welcome to the Jungle” at a deafening level, our nation managed to psychologically destroy Noriega and make him surrender. Seriously, look it up. This is similar, but instead you’ll be the ones hunkered down. Throw in some ear plugs and play a few minutes of “Down With the Clown” until their clown bloodlust peaks and they tear each other to shreds. You can then pick off survivors with a chipping wedge.
A couple of random clown-related links to boost this posts redeeming value:
- 12 Creepiest UK Clown Sightings – from TelegraphUK
- Creepy Clown phenomenon spreads to Australia and New Zeeland – from Jerusalem Post
- Ronald McDonald lying low until clown scare blows over – from Chicago Tribune
- Subway clown who menaced teen with knife says he is victim of nationwide paranoia – From NYDailyNews
Stay safe everyone. Avoid any clown-themed entanglements.