A Ceramic Squirrel Is Not A Knife, And Stabbing Your Husband For Beer Is Not A Defensive Knife Use. But Still…

Image: North Charleston, S.C. Police

Christmas Eve is a day for gift wrapping, family get-togethers, midnight Mass, and last-minute beer runs. Even when the last of these falls through, it’s still not a good day to stab your husband in the chest with a ceramic squirrel. Helen Ann Williams of Charleston, SC (above) probably knows that now.

From NBCnews.com:

According to the police report, Williams’ 41-year-old husband set out to buy some beer late Tuesday night, but he returned home empty-handed because the stores were closed.

That enraged Williams, according to the report, and as her husband set about making himself a sandwich, she picked up the ceramic squirrel and conked him over the head with it. Then she stabbed him in the chest with it, the report said.

The man fled to a neighbor’s home to call 911, and when officers arrived shortly after midnight — on Christmas Day by now — they found him covered in blood with cuts on his shoulder and face, according to the report. When he took off his shirt, they found a big gash in his chest, it said.

Initially, Williams tried to persuade police that her husband fell, but officers were skeptical because she also had blood on her hands and clothes, the report said.

Williams is charged with felony domestic violence assault, and was held on $10,000 bail. You just can’t make this stuff up.


  1. Aharon says:

    Williams: “… honest officers, he fell. He attacked and was beating me. He threatened to rape me. He threatened me with a knife that if I didn’t make him a perfect sandwich he would stab me. He didn’t buy me the gift he promised. He he he…”

  2. Chris Dumm says:

    Was it a hunting squirrel, a tactical squirrel, or an EDC squirrel? Not known. I’d want an EDC squirrel with about 3″ fangs, er, teeth.

  3. GC says:

    Obviously the manufacturer of the squirrel should be sued for failing to prevent one of its products from being used in such a dangerous manner.

  4. matt says:

    Also, was the squirrel under 10 inches in overall length? Or was it a gravity squirrel, switch squirrel, sling squirrel, or cestus squirrel? The report should really specify which.

  5. Aharon says:

    Where do private citizens get the right to own ceramic squirrels? Such a right is not stated in the Bill of Rights. Only trained government professionals should own ceramic squirrels.

  6. AW1Ed says:

    Aharon, when ceramic squirrels are outlawed, only outlaws will have ceramic squirrels. Mark my words…

  7. jwm says:

    Squirrely post, no doubt. Husband better not be there when she gets out of jail.

    1. Matt in FL says:

      @jwm: That… was horrible.

      I groaned out loud.

      1. jwm says:

        They can’t all be winners, Matt. Sometimes a turd gets dropped in the punch bowl. Such is life.

    2. Daniel says:

      All this mention of squirrels is driving me nuts.

  8. Sam L. says:

    I had to read this to my daughter. She attends a college with a squirrel mascot. Amused, she wasn’t.

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A Ceramic Squirrel Is Not A Knife, And Stabbing Your Husband For Beer Is Not A Defensive Knife Use. But Still…

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