Irresponsible Knife Owner Of The Day: Unnamed Englewood, NJ Snow Shoveler

Image courtesy Club Penguin Wiki

I live in the perpetually-rainy Pacific Northwest, but I feel for all of you in the mountain west, midwest, north–oh screw it: everywhere else in the country except for southern California, where this is one of the worst winters in living memory.

But I don’t feel sorry for one particular asshole in Englewood, NJ, who bashed his girlfriend in the head with a snow shovel and then tried to framer her.


Detective Cpt. Timothy Torell said police were dispatched to a 4th Ward residence and found a 49-year-old woman sporting a cut to the head. She reportedly told police that during an argument her 74-year-old live-in boyfriend struck her in the head with a snow shovel. When she called the police, the boyfriend allegedly cut himself with a knife and said he would tell police that she was the one who cut him, Torell said.

Police didn’t buy it.

“These types of incidents aren’t that uncommon,” Torell said. “Our officers are trained to take all factors into consideration when investigating domestic violence incidents. In this case, they determined that [the 74-year-old man’s] minor cut injuries were consistent with self-inflicted wounds.”

Self-inflicted cuts aren’t that hard to spot, when you know what you’re looking for. In 2008, a mentally unhinged campaign volunteer told police that an angry Obama supporter had carved a ‘B’ into her cheek (standing for ‘Barack’), but the police knew she was full of it because of one detail: the ‘B’ was backwards, because she’d been looking in a mirror when she cut herself.


Image courtesy

But back to New Jersey, shall we? Snow shoveling is no fun, and it probably doesn’t get any more fun as you get older. We understand that, but no amount of snow can justify going all William H. Macy on your girlfriend. And slashing yourself to frame her is just plain reprehensible.

Our ersatz Mystery Man will be out of work, and out of the snowy weather, for the foreseeable future. He’s being held on $20,000 bond and an aggravated assault beef, while his former (we hope) girlfriend was treated and released for her injuries.


  1. jwm says:

    It’s been my experience that if an old person is an aszhole in their dotage, it was because they were an aszhole in their youth. People really don’t change much. And what attraction did this woman find in a guy that much older than her?

    1. Duncan Idaho says:

      Good chance it was the almighty dollar.

      1. Roger says:

        He was shoveling his own walk. No money there.

        1. jwm says:

          Some of the wealthiest guys I knew did self service at the gas stations, when self and full service still existed, to save a few pennies.

          The richest guy I knew looked like he was homeless and had millions in the bank.

          The guys with bling are usually “paper rich” and are robbing peter to pay paul.

  2. Paul B says:

    Yeah, but if you have any money and live where snow falls, a snow blower is a good bet. Lots of guys wind up in the ER on snow days cause they had an event while shoveling.

    And I am sure some money was involved, or at least the promise of some at some future date.

    Cynical I am.

  3. Roger says:

    JWM, it’s called “heart attack season” in many hospitals and senior care facilities for a reason guy. The cold makes your heart strain more through what is normally a light activity. No one with money over the age of 60 shovels their own walk unless they are trying to die. No “good old fashioned hard work” about it.

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Irresponsible Knife Owner Of The Day: Unnamed Englewood, NJ Snow Shoveler

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