Man bites dog? No. Dog stabs woman.

1297880496313_originalIt is said that in the news industry the headline “Dog bites man” is a story that gets buried towards the back of the paper. However, if “Man bites dog” it is front-page news because it is an unexpected situation. Given that metric, a story like this ought to warrant a special-edition.


Celinda Haynes, the owner of a one-and-a-half-year-old Chesapeake Bay retriever dog named “Mia,” was rushed to the hospital Wednesday morning after Mia reached over her and stabbed her left forearm with a paring knife.

“[Mia] likes to grab whatever she can to get people to play with her,” explained Haynes’ daughter, Chanda Stroup to Denver7.

As it turns out, Mia is rather large for her age and was able to climb to the kitchen counter, where she found her new sharp toy.

Trying to get Mia to let go of the knife, Haynes reportedly put treats on the ground and in her excitement, Mia reached over her arm and stabbed the owner when she went for the treats.

“I need to go to the hospital,” Haynes told her daughter. “Mia just cut my arm with a knife!”

The wound — a gash approximately 4-to-5-inches long and a quarter-of-an-inch-wide — surprised medical staff at Platte Valley Medical Center, who did not believe the story at first. But they were not the only ones.

“I had to make sure I heard that right,” said Brent Flot, the town Marshal.

Deputies were dispatched to the hospital as well as Haynes’ home to investigate a case of possible domestic violence. At the hospital, officials did not believe the story. Back at the family’s home, Flot found blood everywhere, which prompted suspicion.

Her husband was cleared when it was determined that he was in line at the DMV at the time of the slashing. 

When my lab, Billie Holiday, was about the same age she sent me to the emergency room. I was bending down to pick something up at the same moment she tried to jump onto the bed. Our heads clonked like a couple of coconuts, splitting my eyebrow open.

Being 11pm on a Friday night, the triage nurse took one look at me and reached for the “alleged assault” form to begin her report. I had to explain that it was my dog. She began to write it up as a dog bite/attack. She didn’t believe me until my wife corroborated the story.

In the end neither Billie, nor the Haynes’ retriever were charged with a crime. “Because she is a dog” Deputies stated.


  1. Mia, ….aka the “Chesapeake Slasher” (that was no stab wound!), ….was NOT immediately charged with a crime because her owner had failed to secure the location for the treats while the slasher was still armed (ok,…more like “still mouthed” ,…but that’s just a biological technicality 🙂

    It is also noteworthy the weapon was not secured in a lock box,….especially egregious considering the very young age of the alleged offender. Knowledge of her prior acts of removing items (without permission),…. from the exact location where the weapon was ultimately obtained could have prevented this near tragedy!

    Obviously, this hardened pooch could have been charged with attempted aggravated mastercide, (2nd degree as there was no evidence of premeditation),…but that was not considered because Mia had received no training in safe knife handling prior to committing the alleged crime. This mitigating factor, combined with affirmative action in consideration of her complexion, rightfully called for mercy in this instance.

    In the end, the Court ultimately found her “not guilty by reason of mental defect or disease”, as it was well known on several prior occasions this girl went nuts for treats. Case precedent was entered in her defense regarding the highly publicized “Cuckoo for Cocco Puffs” case! Any fair minded Court could do no less……….

    Mia was immediately released on her own recognizance (ROR), and ordered to pay Court Costs well within her ability to pay,….10 licks and 20 tail wags,…..which were immediately remitted.

    Note: Due to the juvenile age, Mia’s record was sealed and the case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.

    Six months later, …..this case was CLOSED!

    YMMV 🙂

    1. sagebrushracer says:

      thank you for that.

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Man bites dog? No. Dog stabs woman.

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